It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
