Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
