No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
