There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
