A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
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