Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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