I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
