Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
