I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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