My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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