You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
