I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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