If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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