Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
