i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
