I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
