Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
