I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
