tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
