I puked a lego.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize
