What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
