Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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