we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
