i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
