I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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