Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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