i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
