its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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