Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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