Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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