Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
