Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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