Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
