Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
