Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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