i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
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there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
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Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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