youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
