Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
