Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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