eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
