yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
