he puts the penis in happiness.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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