just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
