my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Randomize
