I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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