I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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