he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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