Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize