i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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