We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
sex in a hospital.. check
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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