If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She bit a glass in half.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
