im about as happy as oj after his trial
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
