I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
