I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Boobs speak an international language.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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