OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
